. I was vs I am

-The past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased; it can only be accepted.

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I was a 16 year old girl that overcame the odds of a horrific car accident to no only walk again, but to walk to her prom 5 months later and to play softball a year later.  I am a woman with an awesome scar and a fantastic testimony that tears and hard work really can off.

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I was a 17 year old girl that wasn’t allowed to have her senior year of high school because of said above accident.  I am a woman who got her GED at 17 and started her freshman year of college instead of her senior year of high school.

I was a girl who lost out on catching in her school’s softball state final game.  I am a woman who still has the ability to catch and throw a ball and hopes to pass on that tradition to her daughter.

I was a girl who started a prestigious culinary school at 17.5.  I am a woman who graduated 2 years later with a 3.68 GPA from Le Cordon Culinary Arts.

I was a girl who moved to a big city at 17.5.  I am a girl who will always call Austin home because it is an AMAZING city and it was where I was on my own for the first time.

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I was a girl who worked 3 jobs and still got up for 6am classes.  I am a woman who has gotten every job she has ever really wanted because of working my ass off both during and after culinary school.

I was a girl who had worked since she was 16, worked 3 jobs while in college, and wanted nothing more than a long career with plenty of accolades.  I am a woman who gave up her hard fought career to become a stay at home mom because her SN daughter needed her and who’s accolades come in the for of “I wuvs you,” hugs and giggles from my little girl.

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I was a girl who didn’t know where her life was going and who’s hopes and dreams were dashed in the time it took to take a curve too quickly.  I am a woman who sometimes still doesn’t know where her life is going and who’s initial hopes and dreams were dashed in the time it took a stick to show a plus sign.

I was a girl who got married at 18 and fought a losing battle to keep her then husband off of pain killers.  I am a woman who fought the good fight, lost said husband, and found my soul mate in my now husband and high school best friend.

 

I was a girl who had never had more than a few beers or shots and hated going out.  I am a woman that has learned how to social world works.  I also have learned that a few beers or an evening cocktail can make life a whole lot easier to swallow.  Also that being a little tipsy has its advantages when you have a hot husband and an insane amount of emotional stress.

I was a girl who had best friend’s that were more like sisters in high school and college.  I am a woman who hasn’t had a real conversation with her high school best friends in years and her college best friend in almost a year, but who still loves them and considers them sisters, forever and always. Here Comes Trouble and I’d still love you even if you didn’t have a nose. I am also a woman who’s small circle and fellow bookworms help make her life a little lighter and filled with laughter and smiles.

I was a girl who was terrified of being alone, physically and literally.  I am a woman who enjoys what the quiet and solitude has to offer, but who still doesn’t like to be physically alone.

I was a girl who was good at school, but who only went because of sports.  I was a girl who missed over 30 days of school in her freshman year because she really just didn’t feel like going.  I am a woman who became a college instructor at 21.

I was a girl who could sleep for 20 hours strait just because.  I am a woman who is up at 3:30 every morning with her kid and is lucky to get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I was a girl who loved to hunt, fish, and being outdoors doing something active.  I am a woman who loves to hunt, fish, and mostly being outdoors being active (when it’s not as hot as satan’s armpit.)

I was a girl who lost her dad at 8 years old and who missed him every single day.  I am a woman who lost her dad at 8 years old and who misses him now more than she ever did as a kid.

I was a girl who loved to dance.  I am a woman who now knows what I look like dancing and have come to accept that I am simply a white girl with no rhythm!  However, I can still pull off a killer two step and waltz.

I was a girl who fell in love with reading as soon as I picked up a copy of Judy Blume’s “Summer Sisters.”  I am a woman who is a total bookworm and who still reads Summer Sisters at least once a year.

I was a girl who wanted nothing more than to go to college on a softball scholarship and become a coach.  I am a woman who lost her scholarship dreams but who got to coach her culinary champions for 8 years.

I was a girl who wasn’t comfortable in her own skin, with her scars (physical and emotional.) I am a woman who still isn’t completely comfortable in her own skin, with her scars (physical and emotional.)

I was a girl who had a cd player or music with her wherever she went.  I am a woman who is listening while Pink fades into Chris Stapleton as I write this post.

I am a girl who loved to cooked and who everyone says had a talent for it.  I am a woman who loves to cook, who made a living at it for 10 years, and who still has a talent for it.

I was a girl who battled with mental illness and an emotional fragility that it seems no one could understand.  I am a woman who is finally overcoming mental illness and still has an emotional fragility that it seems no one can understand.

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I was a girl who wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I am the mother of a beautiful little girl.

I was a girl who wanted a super close tight nit family & 3 kids.  I am a woman who has an extended family (both mine & husband’s) that talk to each other a couple of times a year & a “home” family that aren’t really close.  I am a woman who has 1 biological child and will only ever have 1 biological child. Adoption is a hopeful possibility in the future.

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I was a girl who had every expectation in the world of the type of child(ren) she would have a raise with dreams and hopes and aspirations for them.  I am a woman who has had to reel in said dreams and hopes and aspirations for her.

I was a girl who grew up watching and loving the Dallas Cowboys, Texas Rangers, Chicago Bulls, and Boston Celtics.  I a woman who has a daughter named Fenway.. (yes, after the Boston Red Sox)

I was a girl who hoped her daughter would become the next Jenny Finch or a great dancer or gymnast or go to the Olympics.  I am a woman who’s daughter may still be in the Olympics, but it will be the Special Olympics the schools put on every year for the SN kids.

I was a girl who had her life all planned out by the time she was 12.  I am a woman who learns every day that everyone’s life ebb’s and flows and isn’t what we thought it would be at 12.

I was a girl who was raised as a Southern Baptist that had an unflinching faith that God was, is, and will be forever.  I am a woman who was raised as a Southern Baptist that has a shaky relationship with her God and has some questions about His validity, but somehow still has her faith in a higher power or something bigger than herself and prays without even realizing she’s doing it.

I was a girl who thought she had it all figured out.  I am a woman who grew up and now knows I don’t even have tomorrow figured out.

I was a girl that was strong willed and was determined to break down barriers and to say screw you to anything life could throw at her.  I am a woman who is strong willed and determined to break down barriers and to say fuck you to anything life has to throw at her.

I was a girl and I am now a woman.

I am STILL everything that I was, life hasn’t lessened or taken away any of that.  I am who I am BECAUSE of who I was.

Would I change things in my past if I could.. hell yes I would.  Would I go back and reshape who I am today.. hell yes I would.  However, we all know that is not possible and so I will hold my head high, smile at the girl I still see in the mirror and say “Damn, you’ve done it kid.. keep it up, you’re a badass.”

 

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