. sometimes

Sometimes you just want someone completely on your side, no matter how crazy or insane an idea may be.  To have someone have complete faith in whatever scheme or idea or dream you may have come up with this time.  To have someone who will back your adventure 100% because they believe in whatever it is you have set out to do. In short, they believe in you.

  • Sometimes I hold a pillow over my face and scream as loud and as long as I possibly can without suffocating myself.  I come out all red and puffy faced, but then I’m able to keep going for another couple of hours.

Sometimes you just want someone to tell you that it will be ok, even when you know it won’t be.  Even when you know that you’ll wake up tomorrow morning in the same nightmare you went to sleep in tonight.  Sometimes you just want someone to say it out loud so that maybe it will come true.

  • Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the entire world that feels the way I do about anything and everything.  I feel like I am not good enough for anyone and anything.

Sometimes you want someone to stand up for you because you can’t stand up for yourself.  You want to be able to fade into the background while someone else fights your battle for you because you just seem to keep sinking.  You want someone the be there at the top of the pit reaching out to give you a hand up.

  • Sometimes you just want people to leave you the hell alone because it’s easier than trying to explain yourself and your thoughts.  Sometimes you want someone to leave you the hell alone, but be right there just in case you need them for anything.

Sometimes you want someone to hear the music, walk in the door, and dance the night away with you.  You don’t want to have to plead with them to please just dance with you.  You want someone who will light up at the thought of holding you in their arms and making weird wobbly circles trying to spin and watch YouTube videos for hours trying to “teach” yourselves how to dance, when you end up looking even more ridiculous than you started out.

  • Sometimes I’ve been known to scoop up little human and waltz with her song after song.  I may not be able to stand up for a week and my ears may be ringing from her delighted squeals, but it is so much fun and so worth it.

Sometimes you just want someone to hold you and let you cry.  Sometimes the days just spill over into one another and you just don’t have the strength to keep carrying it by yourself.  You want someone to say “come here love, let me take that for awhile..”

  • Sometimes at 3am when little human is up for her early morning snack and playtime session, I’ll put in my ear buds and silent karaoke to whatever is playing.  It helps more than you’d think.

Sometimes you want to crawl into someone’s arms and watch A City of Angels, because sometimes you just need a little sappy Nicholas Cage. Lean back into their chest while they wrap their arms around you and just watch as Seth falls in love with Maggie as she fights vigorously to save her patient and the lengths this angel will go to be with her in the mortal world.

  • Sometimes I imagine who would play me in a movie about my life.  I go back and forth between Maggie Gyllenhaal & Ellen Paige depending on the mood I’m in on that particular day.  Too bad John Hughes couldn’t direct it, but you better believe that Christopher Columbus will be a producer!!

Sometimes you want someone to share an earbud with you so you can jam out together.  You want to crank out “The Greatest Showman” and make up dances like you did as a kid.  You want to laugh and cry and giggle like when you were a girl, because when you were a girl things still seemed to make sense.

  • Sometimes i’ll bust a move to a random song and dance it out with high V’s and rolls just to remember what it was like to be a cheerleader.  It really did happen and it really was fun.  I wish I could go back and tell that stressed out teenager to calm the fuck down and enjoy everything because it wouldn’t last long.

Sometimes you want to sit and round after round of phase 10 because it takes away all the chaos that life can become.  You can get mad and agitated at not being able to make a run of 7 or a set of 4 and a run of 5 instead of having to have yet another therapy evaluation or spend money you already don’t have for another round of testing.

  • Sometimes I want to be “that” family at sessions and clinics that act like they are taking a little picinic in the park instead of having another round of tests done. I want to throw out my red and white checked cloth and pile some sandwiches in the middle with soda and games and just make a day of it!

Sometimes you want people to actually see through you instead of seeing “you.”  Seeing through the façade would be such a drastic difference than the normal “oh yea, i’m fine, how are you” that goes on in our day to day lives.  To have someone really see you and through all the bullshit that you put out there sometimes would be rather refreshing.

  • Sometimes I wish I had a superpower, even just for a day.  I would either be invisible or be able to turn back time.  Oh what I’d give..

Sometimes it would be just fucking great to have someone that is your ride or die, your forever and ever, to the moon and back, for now and always, more than all the salt in the sea and the stars in the sky and every other ridiculously cliché quote out there.  People get so wrapped up in the muck and mess and forget to be there fore each other, to be real friends and spouses and soul mates to those that walk in our life with us.

  • Sometimes I look back at pictures of my youth and early adult days and just cry.  I don’t always know what pulls people apart or makes friendships or relationships fall apart, but it sucks and no one wins.

Sometimes it’d be great to just disappear for a few days.  Not to run away or to make anyone worry, but to just completely unplug and unwind knowing that the world and all the struggles will be there waiting on you when you get back, but for a precious 3 days you don’t have to worry about anything other than what drink you’ll have next and if Victoria and Amy are able to work out their differences over Leo and the betrayal of them both.

  • Sometimes I’d love for someone to know my favorite book and song and movie.  Not just my favorite, but my favorite chapter in said book, my favorite lyric in said song, and my favorite scene or line in said movie.  Now THAT is what I call knowing someone.

Sometimes it’d be nice to just get all the shit out of your head.  To just unzip your skull, take a spoon and dish out all of the bad and evil and yuck, maybe sprinkle some sugar on top like you do with a bowl of strawberries, zip it back up and voila!! it’s all better now.

Sometimes it’d be nice to “free” write without sounding like a lunatic.. yea, sometimes.

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