. running on empty

I am officially doing just that. Running on empty.  Emotionally, physically, mentally.  Not only are we coming out of the holidays, but I am also coming out of a pretty heavy bipolar depression spiral and have begun a new medication regime.  It always takes some time to adjust, but thankfully ::knock on wood:: the fog seems to be lifting again, ever so slightly.

These things are OK to talk about.  I am not ashamed to say that I am worn out and drained both mentally and physically from everything it takes in raising our SN little human.  The day to day tasks that are never ending can really wear you down very quickly & people think that this aspect should just be shoved into a corner somewhere and not talked about or openly discussed.  Instead of judging and making each other feel bad for these thoughts and feelings, why not be a people of encouragement?! I get so sick of hearing “well you shouldn’t feel this way or think that way”.. dude, who are YOU to tell me how I should feel?! It is not up to YOU to tell ME how to feel.  Just saying.

Sorry, went off on a little rant there.. back to the topic at hand.  running on empty.  sometimes you just need to “refill the tank” a little bit.  for me it’s writing, just like i’m doing now.  reading a few chapters in an awful or fantastic book or watching a random fantastic movie (currently on a Jessica Brown Findlay aka “Sybil” from Downton Abbey kick) so I’ve been randomly searching and watching shows she’s in, it’s quite an interesting road to go down! But I need my tank refilled.. I am tired and I am weary.  I am currently in yet ANOTHER bedtime battle with my little human who has been awake since 630 this morning with no nap.  I am agitated with my husband for details that for privacy sake I won’t share here, but just know that it takes MANY spoons away (google spoon theory for an accurate description, don’t have time to go into it here), I haven’t gotten to spend time any “girl time/non kid time” with my out of town cousins, both of whom will be leaving tomorrow & I am actually very sad about that.  We weren’t close growing up, but have gotten much closer since becoming adults and only get to see each other MAYBE once a year.  My mom is sick and has been for some time and missed her retirement party which was a bummer for her and for us as we were very excited to celebrate her and her accomplishments.  The holiday’s always tend to bring out the worst in both my husband and I.  I have finally learned through the years what stressors I can handle and which ones I simply cannot, and so when I know I cannot handle something, I say no to it.  Well.. as you can imagine, sometimes this doesn’t go over so well.  But.. we made it through.  There was a “mini” anniversary “vacation” thrown in – 10 years married (a huge feat especially when most people didn’t think we’d make it 2..) but that’s for another post.

All in all it’s been an interesting and stressful holiday, but I’m glad it’s over.  Now onto my glass of wine as I continue yet another epic bedtime battle.

3 thoughts on “. running on empty

  1. I normally don’t comment on your posts – I’m sure it’s weird for you to know that your family all reads these, too. But I wanted to say that it was fantastic to see you, both with and without your LO. I love seeing our kids play together, and F is still telling the very dramatic story of how your F ate his cookie. Next time, maybe the weather will be good enough that we can run the kids around outside a bit. Hoping to come back in February! Love you bunches, cousin, and I wish you could’ve driven all the way to the other cousin crew with me.

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    1. It was a bit strange at first, but now I am humbled by the fact that my family reads my posts. I did not feel very close to most of you growing up,mostly because I was much younger & because your hoise was the “fun house” when anyone came to visit, but I am so happy that I have such wonderful role models to look to as an adult and especially when raising my child. You all have been an inspiration to me in your lives and how you handle yourselves and have/are raising your children. I only hope that we can all continue to grow closer as we grow wiser and better with age! Thank you for taking the time to comment, it means more than you will ever know. It was also great getting to spend some time with you and your kiddos. I’m sure the “cookie battle” will be a memory for years to come!!

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  2. I have depression with a special needs child as well. Actually, I have 3 sons who are more than typical …. 2 with autism . They all have clinical anxiety inherited by from me. I also have major depressive disorder. I get how you feel. I write a lot about my experiences in my blog. I invite you to take a peak and connect . Warmly , S

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